Fanmix - "My Whole Existence is Flawed"

[kitsu84]

Title: My Whole Existence is Flawed
Fandom: Supernatural
Spoilers: Through 4x16; On the Head of a Pin
Characters/Pairing: Dark!Dean and Castiel
Tracks: 10 (runtime: 43.3 minutes)

Warning: Rated NC-17 because there's some hardcore shit going down here.

BONUS: Exclusive cover art from three very lovely ladies - gembat, nilsi_pilsifan, and x5649. They also each made a small matching set of icons for their particular version of the mix, respectively.

Dedication: To my dearest internet wife, tracy_loo_who - you're the one who inspired me to do this. Soul to soul, bb. Soul to soul. ♥

Notes: The inspiration for this came to me after reading an amazing, albeit very dark story from tracy_loo_who. The story was called, The Forty-First Year, and it tells of the events which transpired while Castiel was searching for Dean in Hell.

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romance - my chemical romance (instrumental)

He prayed for Dean when the others stopped, when thirty dark years had passed and so had eighty-nine angels, when they finally drove the last demon away from Dean's rack only to find it already empty.

~~~~*~~~~

power struggle - sunna

I will be here when you are gone,
So I have the right to a power gorge,
And I will be good at making bad,
And I'll light the way for the fucking mad,
I will defeat what I'm heading for,
And I will be here for evermore,
And I am the way of your empty shell,
I want more than I am

So Dean threw away what was left of the girl (or maybe it was a boy, Castiel couldn't tell) and put Castiel on his rack. "If you're going to stay, then let's get started," he said in a way that made Castiel shiver. When Dean grinned, his features twisted into something monstrous and the light of Hell's fires glinted on his teeth. There was no matching glint in his eyes, because those were soullessly black.

~~~~*~~~~

counting bodies like sheep to the rhythm of the war drums - a perfect circle

Don't fret precious I'm here,
step away from the window
Go back to sleep
Safe from pain and truth
and choice and other poison devils,
See, they don't give a fuck
about you, like I do

But then he thought of those hundreds of tongues and thousands of eyes that had been carved from Dean's face, thought of those thirty years, and said another prayer. If Dean could stand the pain for the sake of others, then Castiel could stand the pain for Dean's sake, and for the world's.

~~~~*~~~~

closer - nine inch nails

You let me violate you, you let me desecrate you
You let me penetrate you, you let me complicate you
Help me I broke apart my insides, help me I’ve got no soul to sell
Help me the only thing that works for me, help me get away from myself

Castiel screamed when he came, and fell apart as utterly in Dean's hands as he did when Dean hurt him, but this time Dean held him together with those hands and didn't let go until Castiel stopped shaking. Then he pulled out, wiped off his hand, and left Castiel alone on the rack without a word.

~~~~*~~~~

fractured - zeromancer

Can't you see my hands are clean
I'm as holy as can be
I will never do you harm again
I am fractured
It can never be the same

Dean became as good at pleasuring Castiel as he'd ever been at hurting him. And he became more obsessed with pleasuring Castiel than he'd ever been with hurting him. But whatever it was that he was looking for in the way Castiel arched greedily into his mouth when he sucked, in the sound of Castiel's moans against his neck when he pressed into that spot, whatever it was he needed, Castiel could tell he wasn't getting it.

~~~~*~~~~

psychopomp - the tea party

A frozen sun,
Will guide you there
As shadows hide
The deep despair

I'll give you something more
And you'll fade away
One last kiss before
You fade away.

And Dean blurted, "I want to be worth the way you look at me." He took a deep breath, and then it was endless. "I wanted to make you stop looking at me like that, I wanted to make you hate me, because you should, fuck, you shouldn't be here, but you are, and you shouldn't look at me like that, but you do, and you won't stop, I couldn't make you stop, I even carved out your fucking eyes but you always grew them back and kept looking, and your fucking faith, I couldn't, so instead I had to try--" Dean broke off, shaking and looking away and trying not to cry.

~~~~*~~~~

stripped - shiny toy guns

Let Me See You
Stripped Down to the bone
Let me Hear you
Speaking Just For Me
Let me see you
Stripped Down to the bone
Let Me Hear you
Crying just for me

Dean swallowed hard, and just before he kissed Castiel for the first and last time, the angel saw green. For all the anger and lust and desperation that had defined everything else Dean had ever done to Castiel, his kiss was surprisingly sweet. The desperation was still there, but it was tempered by a sort of chaste tenderness, as if Dean wanted to say I'm sorry and thank you all at once, and Castiel would never forget any of the things he'd done to him, but he knew that it wasn't Dean who had done them. This was Dean now, the man who loved pie and beer and his car and Sam and Castiel, and here, in the bottom of Hell with blood and fire all around them, Castiel kissed him back and thought, I found you.

~~~~*~~~~

i'm not driving anymore - rob dougan

You tell me I can't slow down
you tell me where I've got to be,
I spin into the darkness
but I swear that I can't see anything in front of me
no, it's a joke, I'm not driving anymore
I can't keep up with you
you're closing in behind
I've got headlight in my eyes
don't get too close to me
can't you see that we'll collide

The chains fell away from him, and so did Dean. "Go," he said. "Please."

~~~~*~~~~

in the shadow of the valley of death - marilyn manson

We have no future
heaven wasn't made for me
we burn ourselves to hell
as fast as it can be
and I wish that I could be a king
then I'd know that I am not alone

"And what, save the world?" Dean shook his head and took another step back. "I can't do it, Cas. It's too big. I'll fail and then you won't look at me like that anymore and I can't--" He shook his head again. "You'll find someone else to save the world. It's not me. Go."

~~~~*~~~~

hurt (quiet) - nine inch nails

I wear this crown of shit
Upon my liar's chair
Full of broken thoughts
I cannot repair
Beneath the stains of time
The feelings disappear
You are someone else
I am still right here

Castiel sighed. There was nothing he could say that would make Dean believe him yet, so he said nothing. That could come later, when Dean was ready. So Castiel decided it would be easier on Dean if he didn't remember his forty-first year in Hell, and for now, it was enough that he had let Castiel go. Dean didn't fight him when Castiel pressed two fingers to his forehead, so when he slumped forward into the angel's arms, Castiel gripped him tight and raised him from perdition.

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