Title: My Whole Existence is Flawed
Fandom: Supernatural
Spoilers: Through 4x16; On the Head of a Pin
Characters/Pairing: Dark!Dean and Castiel
Tracks: 10 (runtime: 43.3 minutes)

Warning: Rated NC-17 because there's some hardcore shit going down here.

BONUS: Exclusive cover art from three very lovely ladies - [livejournal.com profile] gembat, [livejournal.com profile] nilsi_pilsifan, and [livejournal.com profile] x5649. They also each made a small matching set of icons for their particular version of the mix, respectively.

Dedication: To my dearest internet wife, [livejournal.com profile] tracy_loo_who - you're the one who inspired me to do this. Soul to soul, bb. Soul to soul. ♥

Notes: The inspiration for this came to me after reading an amazing, albeit very dark story from [livejournal.com profile] tracy_loo_who. The story was called, The Forty-First Year, and it tells of the events which transpired while Castiel was searching for Dean in Hell.

_______________________________________

romance - my chemical romance (instrumental)

He prayed for Dean when the others stopped, when thirty dark years had passed and so had eighty-nine angels, when they finally drove the last demon away from Dean's rack only to find it already empty.

~~~~*~~~~

power struggle - sunna

I will be here when you are gone,
So I have the right to a power gorge,
And I will be good at making bad,
And I'll light the way for the fucking mad,
I will defeat what I'm heading for,
And I will be here for evermore,
And I am the way of your empty shell,
I want more than I am

So Dean threw away what was left of the girl (or maybe it was a boy, Castiel couldn't tell) and put Castiel on his rack. "If you're going to stay, then let's get started," he said in a way that made Castiel shiver. When Dean grinned, his features twisted into something monstrous and the light of Hell's fires glinted on his teeth. There was no matching glint in his eyes, because those were soullessly black.

~~~~*~~~~

counting bodies like sheep to the rhythm of the war drums - a perfect circle

Don't fret precious I'm here,
step away from the window
Go back to sleep
Safe from pain and truth
and choice and other poison devils,
See, they don't give a fuck
about you, like I do

But then he thought of those hundreds of tongues and thousands of eyes that had been carved from Dean's face, thought of those thirty years, and said another prayer. If Dean could stand the pain for the sake of others, then Castiel could stand the pain for Dean's sake, and for the world's.

~~~~*~~~~

closer - nine inch nails

You let me violate you, you let me desecrate you
You let me penetrate you, you let me complicate you
Help me I broke apart my insides, help me I’ve got no soul to sell
Help me the only thing that works for me, help me get away from myself

Castiel screamed when he came, and fell apart as utterly in Dean's hands as he did when Dean hurt him, but this time Dean held him together with those hands and didn't let go until Castiel stopped shaking. Then he pulled out, wiped off his hand, and left Castiel alone on the rack without a word.

~~~~*~~~~

fractured - zeromancer

Can't you see my hands are clean
I'm as holy as can be
I will never do you harm again
I am fractured
It can never be the same

Dean became as good at pleasuring Castiel as he'd ever been at hurting him. And he became more obsessed with pleasuring Castiel than he'd ever been with hurting him. But whatever it was that he was looking for in the way Castiel arched greedily into his mouth when he sucked, in the sound of Castiel's moans against his neck when he pressed into that spot, whatever it was he needed, Castiel could tell he wasn't getting it.

~~~~*~~~~

psychopomp - the tea party

A frozen sun,
Will guide you there
As shadows hide
The deep despair

I'll give you something more
And you'll fade away
One last kiss before
You fade away.

And Dean blurted, "I want to be worth the way you look at me." He took a deep breath, and then it was endless. "I wanted to make you stop looking at me like that, I wanted to make you hate me, because you should, fuck, you shouldn't be here, but you are, and you shouldn't look at me like that, but you do, and you won't stop, I couldn't make you stop, I even carved out your fucking eyes but you always grew them back and kept looking, and your fucking faith, I couldn't, so instead I had to try--" Dean broke off, shaking and looking away and trying not to cry.

~~~~*~~~~

stripped - shiny toy guns

Let Me See You
Stripped Down to the bone
Let me Hear you
Speaking Just For Me
Let me see you
Stripped Down to the bone
Let Me Hear you
Crying just for me

Dean swallowed hard, and just before he kissed Castiel for the first and last time, the angel saw green. For all the anger and lust and desperation that had defined everything else Dean had ever done to Castiel, his kiss was surprisingly sweet. The desperation was still there, but it was tempered by a sort of chaste tenderness, as if Dean wanted to say I'm sorry and thank you all at once, and Castiel would never forget any of the things he'd done to him, but he knew that it wasn't Dean who had done them. This was Dean now, the man who loved pie and beer and his car and Sam and Castiel, and here, in the bottom of Hell with blood and fire all around them, Castiel kissed him back and thought, I found you.

~~~~*~~~~

i'm not driving anymore - rob dougan

You tell me I can't slow down
you tell me where I've got to be,
I spin into the darkness
but I swear that I can't see anything in front of me
no, it's a joke, I'm not driving anymore
I can't keep up with you
you're closing in behind
I've got headlight in my eyes
don't get too close to me
can't you see that we'll collide

The chains fell away from him, and so did Dean. "Go," he said. "Please."

~~~~*~~~~

in the shadow of the valley of death - marilyn manson

We have no future
heaven wasn't made for me
we burn ourselves to hell
as fast as it can be
and I wish that I could be a king
then I'd know that I am not alone

"And what, save the world?" Dean shook his head and took another step back. "I can't do it, Cas. It's too big. I'll fail and then you won't look at me like that anymore and I can't--" He shook his head again. "You'll find someone else to save the world. It's not me. Go."

~~~~*~~~~

hurt (quiet) - nine inch nails

I wear this crown of shit
Upon my liar's chair
Full of broken thoughts
I cannot repair
Beneath the stains of time
The feelings disappear
You are someone else
I am still right here

Castiel sighed. There was nothing he could say that would make Dean believe him yet, so he said nothing. That could come later, when Dean was ready. So Castiel decided it would be easier on Dean if he didn't remember his forty-first year in Hell, and for now, it was enough that he had let Castiel go. Dean didn't fight him when Castiel pressed two fingers to his forehead, so when he slumped forward into the angel's arms, Castiel gripped him tight and raised him from perdition.

_______________________________________

.CHOOSE YOUR COVER ART.

[livejournal.com profile] gembat:
PREVIEW // DOWNLOAD

ICONS


[livejournal.com profile] x5649:
PREVIEW // DOWNLOAD

ICONS


[livejournal.com profile] nilsi_pilsifan:
PREVIEW // DOWNLOAD

ICONS


_______________________________________

.DOWNLOAD THE MIX.

megaupload // mediafire // sendspace
(48.28 MB; Cover Art NOT included)

- comments are the utmost love ♥
- if you want a singular download, ask away
- feel free to check out my other FANMIXES
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Re: I have to say it...

From: [identity profile] paceyringwald.livejournal.com - Date: 2009-04-23 06:23 pm (UTC) - Expand

Re: I have to say it...

From: [identity profile] kitsu84.livejournal.com - Date: 2009-04-23 06:28 pm (UTC) - Expand

Re: I have to say it...

From: [identity profile] paceyringwald.livejournal.com - Date: 2009-04-23 06:32 pm (UTC) - Expand

Re: I have to say it...

From: [identity profile] kitsu84.livejournal.com - Date: 2009-04-23 06:36 pm (UTC) - Expand

Re: I have to say it...

From: [identity profile] paceyringwald.livejournal.com - Date: 2009-04-23 06:45 pm (UTC) - Expand

Re: I have to say it...

From: [identity profile] kitsu84.livejournal.com - Date: 2009-04-23 07:07 pm (UTC) - Expand

Re: I have to say it...

From: [identity profile] paceyringwald.livejournal.com - Date: 2009-04-23 07:11 pm (UTC) - Expand

From: [identity profile] sunsetxcocktail.livejournal.com


Another lovely looking mix. Snagging it and icons, will credit the icons when using :)

From: [identity profile] kitsu84.livejournal.com


Oh, you're becoming one of my regulars. ♥

Thanks so much. Hope you enjoy it!
ext_120093: (Default)

From: [identity profile] morganoconner.livejournal.com


Another absolutely outstanding mix. Snagging it along with the second cover design, although it was a tough choice - they'r all amazing! :)
ext_16942: © <user name=myrasis site=livejournal.com> (Default)

From: [identity profile] crystalchain.livejournal.com


DAMN WOMAN. This fanmix is absolutely brilliant. I love your song choice so much. All your fanmixes are just perfect! I'm gonna make it official now: you are my favorite fanmixer ever and I'm not even kidding. ♥

From: [identity profile] kitsu84.livejournal.com


All your fanmixes are just perfect! I'm gonna make it official now: you are my favorite fanmixer ever and I'm not even kidding.

Oh. My. GOD. Thank you so very, very much, love. You have no idea how much this comment means to me. ♥

(no subject)

From: [identity profile] x5649.livejournal.com - Date: 2009-04-23 06:54 pm (UTC) - Expand

From: [identity profile] tracy-loo-who.livejournal.com


Holy shit, bb, I'm in class at the moment and won't be home till late tonight and really kind of hating that because I CANNOT WAIT TO LISTEN TO THIS. I've already downloaded all the cover art, though, and jesus, they are all gorgeous, I am so so so so SO UNBELIEVABLY FLOORED by everything, thank you and [livejournal.com profile] gembat, [livejournal.com profile] x5649, and [livejournal.com profile] nilsi_pilsifan! I just. God, fjkldsjfklsdjfs, un-fucking-believable, I will be back later for a proper comment!

From: [identity profile] kitsu84.livejournal.com


You're most welcome, my dear. As I've told you before, your story was unbelievable. I just HAD to make a companion fanmix for it. ♥

BTW, that reply you sent me earlier with Dean and Castiel? Yeah, that about KILLED me. I've read it four times already. Just... DAMN.

(no subject)

From: [identity profile] tracy-loo-who.livejournal.com - Date: 2009-04-23 06:46 pm (UTC) - Expand

(no subject)

From: [identity profile] kitsu84.livejournal.com - Date: 2009-04-23 07:42 pm (UTC) - Expand

(no subject)

From: [identity profile] tracy-loo-who.livejournal.com - Date: 2009-04-24 03:53 am (UTC) - Expand

(no subject)

From: [identity profile] kitsu84.livejournal.com - Date: 2009-04-25 05:01 am (UTC) - Expand

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From: [identity profile] x5649.livejournal.com - Date: 2009-04-23 07:07 pm (UTC) - Expand

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From: [identity profile] tracy-loo-who.livejournal.com - Date: 2009-04-24 03:57 am (UTC) - Expand

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From: [identity profile] x5649.livejournal.com - Date: 2009-04-24 05:12 am (UTC) - Expand

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From: [identity profile] tracy-loo-who.livejournal.com - Date: 2009-04-24 05:56 am (UTC) - Expand

From: [identity profile] x5649.livejournal.com


OMG! ITS AMAZING!!!! -is dead from the amazingness- I <3 YOU SO MUCH! You're so good at picking like the perfect songs... (which reminds me oh perfect song picker... think you can help with an SGA fanmix I wanna do? -points to my LJ-)

From: [identity profile] kitsu84.livejournal.com


OMG! ITS AMAZING!!!! -is dead from the amazingness- I <3 YOU SO MUCH! You're so good at picking like the perfect songs...

THANK YOU. I AM AMAZING, AREN'T I?

which reminds me oh perfect song picker... think you can help with an SGA fanmix I wanna do?

Sure, I'd love to help you out. It's the least I could do after everything you've done for me. Just give me to later-on tonight (probably after Supernatural), and I'll see if I can have a handful of songs uploaded for you that fits the theme you're going for.

(no subject)

From: [identity profile] x5649.livejournal.com - Date: 2009-04-23 07:20 pm (UTC) - Expand

(no subject)

From: [identity profile] kitsu84.livejournal.com - Date: 2009-04-23 07:45 pm (UTC) - Expand

From: [identity profile] kitsu84.livejournal.com


Looks like I'm getting quite a few fangirls, myself. Misha better watch his back. XD

Hope you enjoy the mix, bb. ♥

(no subject)

From: [identity profile] x5649.livejournal.com - Date: 2009-04-23 08:10 pm (UTC) - Expand

(no subject)

From: [identity profile] kitsu84.livejournal.com - Date: 2009-04-24 12:36 am (UTC) - Expand

From: [identity profile] eggblue.livejournal.com


*squee* You did it!!! Yay! I'm downloading as soon as I get home.

Also, 'Closer' and 'Hurt' are musts for this. I know they're good for everything, but they HAD to be in a mix for this story. I agree! The placement of 'Hurt' at the end is especially good. The sad hopeful weary patience.

Also, Shiny Toy Guns does a version of 'Stripped'?? Ooooh!

Also, GORGEOUS icons! demon!Dean, Cas blood, and hellfire. Yup, all absolutely necessary :)

From: [identity profile] kitsu84.livejournal.com


YES, I DID! \o/

'Closer' should be the official theme for Tracy's fit because it fits it to such a degree, that it's almost disturbing. And, yes, 'Hurt' - in particular the 'quiet' version - is the perfect finale for this mix. I had actually considered finishing up with an instrumental behind it, but I felt as if it would've destroyed the mood set-up by Trent Reznor's amazing lyrics and composition in that particular song.

Yes, they do. And it is GORGEOUS. I'm hoping the a certain friend of mine will make a Dean/Cas music video to it.

I'd love to take credit for those, but that belongs to [livejournal.com profile] gembat, [livejournal.com profile] nilsi_pilsifan and [livejournal.com profile] x5649. They did a wonderful job. ♥

(no subject)

From: [identity profile] eggblue.livejournal.com - Date: 2009-04-24 04:47 pm (UTC) - Expand

(no subject)

From: [identity profile] kitsu84.livejournal.com - Date: 2009-04-25 05:03 am (UTC) - Expand
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From: [identity profile] darkmerrick.livejournal.com


*bookmarks* *runs to go read fic and then come back and dl* I can't decide which cover art I like best!

From: [identity profile] kitsu84.livejournal.com


In that case, download all three. ;D

Thanks for downloading the mix, btw. Hope you enjoy it. ♥

From: [identity profile] conclusivelead.livejournal.com


Waaaaaah! Loveitloveitloveit. *_*

This is just...perfect. Guh. I'm speechless. *downloads and obsesses*

From: [identity profile] kitsu84.livejournal.com


Thanks so much, hun!

I loves me some "Closer" *big grin*

It is indeed one of the greatest songs ever created, and it's the reason why I worship Trent Reznor. ♥

(no subject)

From: [identity profile] cherazz22784.livejournal.com - Date: 2009-04-24 12:45 am (UTC) - Expand

(no subject)

From: [identity profile] kitsu84.livejournal.com - Date: 2009-04-24 12:49 am (UTC) - Expand

From: [identity profile] force-oblique.livejournal.com


OMFG this is awesomess Ash! <333
Totally snagging!
and sorry I havent caught up with you yet! *iz ashamed*

From: [identity profile] kitsu84.livejournal.com


Thanks so much, Kelly!

and sorry I havent caught up with you yet!

Aw, that's all right, hun. Don't worry about it. ♥

From: [identity profile] deceitfulangel.livejournal.com


The cover art is amazing. Your taste in music is spectacular! Snagging this and going to read the story too. Thanks. :)

From: [identity profile] kitsu84.livejournal.com


You're welcome, and thanks so much for commenting. ♥

From: [identity profile] hikari-datenshi.livejournal.com


I approve of the NIN. :D This is the first mix I've downloaded... I'll admit, I'm hooked in by NIN, lawl. Great job!
And now I'm off to read this fic, which has been sitting around saved on my laptop for aages!

From: [identity profile] kitsu84.livejournal.com


So you're a NIN fan? This is also you're FIRST fanmix? OMG, AWESOME. \o/

Yes, please do read Tracy's fic. It's- Oh, it's beyond description. ♥

(no subject)

From: [identity profile] hikari-datenshi.livejournal.com - Date: 2009-04-25 11:02 am (UTC) - Expand

(no subject)

From: [identity profile] kitsu84.livejournal.com - Date: 2009-04-26 02:14 am (UTC) - Expand

From: [identity profile] rogueslayer452.livejournal.com


DAYUM. This is amazing.

Not just the songs and matching them to pieces of the story, but the different kinds of coverarts which are gorgeously created by those people. Very dark, very disturbing, and totally awesome. ♥

From: [identity profile] sasuran.livejournal.com


that fic was PERFECT. Looking foward to listening to the mix! :D

From: [identity profile] kitsu84.livejournal.com


It is indeed perfection personified. And thanks for downloading the mix! ♥
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